THE WORDS OF DOROTHY PARKER (1893-1967)


  • Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
  • He and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery.
  • Men seldom make passes At girls who wear glasses.
  • Well, there are always those who cannot distinguish between glitter and glamour . . . the glamour of Isadora Duncan came from her great, torn, bewildered, foolhardy soul.
  • Scratch a lover, and find a foe.
  • It's not the tragedies that kill us, it's the messes.
  • Summer makes me drowsy. Autumn makes me sing. Winter's pretty lousy, but I hate Spring
  • Men don't like nobility in woman. Not any men. I suppose it is because the men like to have the copyrights on nobility -- if there is going to be anything like that in a relationship.
  • I know that there are things that never have been funny, and never will be. And I know that ridicule may be a shield, but it is not a weapon.
  • I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
  • Sorrow is tranquillity remembered in emotion.
  • His voice was intimate as the rustle of sheets.
  • The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
  • Her mind lives tidily, apart From cold and noise and pain, And bolts the door against her heart, Out wailing in the rain.
  • Take care of luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
  • Sorrow is tranquility remembered in emotion
  • You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.
  • One more drink and I'll be under the host
  • The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed'
  • Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
  • The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
  • Look at him, a rhinestone in the rough.
  • His body has gone to his head.
  • Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
  • The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
  • I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.
  • This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
  • Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.
  • If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
  • Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.
  • The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires.
  • This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
  • Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
  • I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be a darling at it.
  • You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
    when asked to use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence
  • Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.
  • That woman speaks eight languages and can't say no in any of them.
  • It's a small apartment, I've barely enough room to lay my hat and a few friends.
  • I can't write five words but that I change seven.
  • Wasn't the Yale prom wonderful? If all the girls in attendance were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
  • Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.
  • Miss [Katherine] Hepburn runs the gamut of emotions from A to B
  • He is beyond question a writer of power; and his power lies in his ability to make sex so thoroughly, graphically and aggressively unattractive that one is fairly shaken to ponder how little one has been missing.
  • All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.
  • Do me a favor. When you get home, throw your mother a bone.
  • ( Explaining why she was fired) Vanity fair was a magazine of no opinions, and I had opinions.
  • He long ago said everything about everything - and what Oscar Levant has said, stays said.
  • I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.
  • I dream of a rural life - raising cheques.
  • I know this will come as a shock to you, Mr. (Sam) Goldwyn, but in all history, which has held billions and billions of human beings, not a single one ever had a happy ending.
  • I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
  • (In answer to what she'd like for breakfast) Just something light and easy to fix. How about a dear little whiskey sour?
  • It serves me right for keeping all my eggs in one bastard.
  • Now, look, baby, 'Union' is spelled with 5 letters. It is not a four-letter word.
  • Stop looking at the world through rose colored bifocals.
  • The Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.
  • The transatlantic crossing was so rough the only thing that I could keep on my stomach was the first mate.
  • (To an actor who kept talking of his 'schedule' using the British pronunciation)
  • If you don't mind my saying so, I think you're full of skit.
  • (When a friend asked her how to get rid of his cat) Have you tried curiosity?

    Resum‚
    Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
    Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp
    Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
    Gas smells awful; You might as well live.

    I like to have a martini,
    two at the very most.
    after three I'm under the table,
    after four I'm under my host!

  • Excuse my dust.
    for her own epitaph